Two Birds With One Stone
by Whatchoofelloverfor
Summary: Thanks to Remus' conniving plot, Sirius realizes just how well suited James and Lily are. 7th year, Marauders era. Rating subject to change in future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, my dear readers! This sort of popped into my head last night, and I couldn't sleep until I started it. So, now I've finished the first chapter. I don't know how long this will be, but probably at least 3 more chapters... Let me know what you think of it so far. While you do that, I'll work on The Man Behind The Mask, so that you don't kill me...**

**- Lorraine**

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><p>The Marauders shuffled into the Great Hall for breakfast, taking their usual seats in the middle of the Gryffindor table. As they loaded their plates, Sirius Black was the first to strike up a conversation.<p>

"Well lads, would anyone like to wager on the number of date offers I get today?" At his friends' annoyed looks, the speaker only smiled wider. "No takers? Statistically speaking, this week I've averaged four per day. However, with the Hogsmeade weekend coming up, the numbers can only go up…"

"Would you shove it, Pads?" Sirius' best mate, James Potter, interjected irritably. "We know you're a devilishly charming bastard—"

"Bastard being the operative word," muttered Peter Pettigrew.

"What was that, Wormtail?" asked Sirius cheerfully.

"—but you don't have to mention it every hour on the hour," James ploughed on.

"Are we feeling insecure, mate?" Sirius responded agreeably. "Didn't I catch you snogging Leona Spinnet just on Tuesday last? Granted, it's been a few days, but one shouldn't be greedy." James rolled his eyes.

Ever the peacemaker, and the only one really able to reason with Sirius, Remus Lupin set down his copy of _The Daily Prophet_ and tried his luck. "I think what Prongs is saying is that, while we realize your ego's enormity is impossible to deflate, it would be nice if you could rein it in occasionally."

"Thanks, Moony, I'll _Siriusly_ consider what you've said," said Sirius, barely keeping a straight face. At the pun, the Marauders groaned audibly, with one notable exception.

The reason for James' distraction came in the form of one Lily Evans. While Remus and Sirius had been speaking, that particular girl had entered the Great Hall. Though in fact she marched in squinting at the sun and looking agitated, James Potter would have said that the daylight bathed her in a celestial glow, emphasizing her brilliant peridot eyes and copper hair.

As she passed their place at the table, James softly said "Good morning, Lily," to which she responded with a confused look and a quickened pace.

"Cor, Prongs, that one's really got you groveling. Pull yourself together, man, she can't be all that wonderful. She's just a bird, after all," Sirius said with a smirk. Remus looked at him reproachfully but refrained from commenting. Sirius continued: "Honestly, mate, how can you go from that row you had in the common room last night to staring at her like a lovesick puppy? You've got dozens of girls falling at your feet—admittedly, less than my current forty-seven admirers, but who's counting?—and you choose that one to devote yourself to? I don't get it."

"That's because you are far too attached to your image," James said simply.

"Pah! That's the understatement of the year," said Peter.

"I'm surprised people don't call you Narcissus," contributed Remus. The other three gave him confused looks. "Well, I guess that's why."

"The great thing about Lily," James explained, "is that she's the only one who's never fallen for my supposed charm, and I love her for it, because that really isn't me. It's you, Padfoot. The charm is all you." Sirius began to protest. "No, I don't mean that I envy you or resent you for it, because admittedly it works with every other girl." Sirius looked appeased at this. "But it's an empty strategy, mate. You can't build a lasting relationship on charm and ego."

"Well, cheers, then, 'cause I'd never last in a lasting relationship, and I wouldn't want to," Sirius declared.

"Yeah, bully for you. But for me, it's refreshing to be taken down a peg, to be treated as a normal bloke whom others expect something of—something like common sense and courtesy, not just pranks and sexual conquests. The fact that Lily gets indignant when I act like a stupid prat means that she knows I can be better, and frankly that's encouraging. You're my best mates, but you lot are so used to my stupidity—not to mention that I inherited half of it from Sirius—that you've ceased to try and stop it."

Sirius was scandalized. "What do you mean, try and stop it? That would be criminal! It would be a waste of talent!" When James did not laugh, as he had expected, Sirius became indignant. "We're the Marauders! We live for pranks and sexual conquests. By Merlin, Prongs, I think that Head Boy badge has finally tricked you into thinking that you're no fun."

"Look, I'm not saying that there's no room for pranking or girls. I just mean that it's nice to not always have to put on a show. Sometimes it's nice to relax and just be myself, be Prongs, not James Potter, Hogwarts' resident ladykiller. Since Lily refuses to deal with me as the latter, I'll try to win her over with the former."

"So that you can eventually shag her and move on to the next one, yes?"

"No!" said James, exasperatedly. "Padfoot, I know you're not looking for any real human connection, but do you have to be so crude?"

"The short answer would be 'Yes.'" James rolled his eyes. Sirius continued: "See, the thing is that I have all the human connection I need with you three. I'm satisfied with that. I don't really believe in love; I don't think romance can make one a better person. Friendship can, but you obviously want more than that with Evans. I just don't see why it's worth it to change yourself so much for one bloody dame."

"I'd have to agree that the way you do 'romance' probably isn't the fastest way to self-improvement," James responded.

"Do you refer to the fact that he spells 'romantic' as 'P-R-O-M-I-S-C-U-O-U-S?'" Remus' comment earned a snigger from Peter and an offended look from Sirius.

James, however, was still trying to explain the concept of love to Sirius, and he was beginning to fully grasp the fact that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. "Yeah, Moony, that is what I mean. You can't become a better person without having some sort of commitment to someone else. As the Marauders, we're all committed to each other, right?" Sirius nodded, gradually beginning to understand. "Right. So I'm trying to do the same with Lily now. I'm committed to making her see that I'm not just an arrogant arse, but a genuinely nice bloke."

"And a good looking one at that!" Sirius, uncomfortable with the gravity of this conversation, attempted to lighten the mood. James ignored him and kept talking.

"Of course I want more than friendship with Lily, but I'd take just being her mate over being her enemy or her acquaintance. Even being those things has inspired some changes for the better. It seems like, as I get to know her, I get to know myself, and I want to show her that I'm not so bad. Honestly, Padfoot, it would probably do _you_ some good to try and get on Lily's good side."

This comment earned a scoff from Sirius, and a thoughtful look from Remus. James stood up. "Right, well, I believe I've had enough of your pigheadedness for the moment. I'm off to owl a letter to Mum. You lot keep out of trouble 'til I get back; can't have you besmirching my Head Boy title without letting me join in the fun. S'later." James sauntered out of the Great Hall with an easy grace, attracting at least thirty pairs of eyes, as usual, but never the pair he wanted.

"He's no fun anymore. Honestly, when Prongs—idiot that he is—thought the best way to get Evans' attention was to prank her and insult her and pick on Snivellus, then I wholeheartedly supported his obsession with her. Now, though, it's like she's sucked the Marauder out of him, and he's not even getting anything out of it!" While Sirius ranted and Peter chewed his bacon, Remus was lost in thought. "Really, I mean, when was the last time he bragged about a good shag, let alone _had_ a good shag? This whole prove-to-Evans-that-he's-a-decent-bloke thing… it's not healthy. _We_ know he's a decent bloke, what else could possibly be important? Right, Wormtail?"

Peter grunted in response.

"Right! He just cares too much what she thinks. The only way I could be persuaded to care what she thinks is if there was some sort of…rendezvous in the bargain, if you catch my drift." He winked at Peter, who smiled, having tuned out long ago. "She is a fair lass, I'll give him that. I'd probably be willing to change a bit if I could consistently get a piece of that. Beauty and brains, and she does have a sense of humor. She's probably the closest they come to a female Marauder," Sirius mused.

Suddenly, Remus jumped up, knocking his pumpkin juice onto Sirius' plate with his newspaper in the process. "I've got to go talk to Lily," he said distractedly, and quickly strode down the table towards the redhead.

"Oy!" came from a disgruntled Sirius, attempting to mop the juice from his sausage. He gave up, and plopped one in his mouth. "What's with him?" he asked around the sausage. Peter shrugged, as usual, and went back to his breakfast.

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><p><strong>So, what do you think? Does anyone think they know where Remus is going with this? Don't spoil it for anyone else, but please review! More soon, hopefully.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello, all! For some reason I've been in the writing mood lately, so I hope you're appreciating the products of my labor. If you would be so kind as to review, I especially wonder what your thoughts are on my imagery, etc... I feel like I don't do much physical description, and I want to know whether that's detrimental, or just a bit annoying, or if you never really noticed. Thanks ever so much for taking the time to read this!**

**Love,**

**Lorraine**

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><p>"Lily! LILY!" Remus called after the girl. She and her best friend Lucy Perkins had gotten up from breakfast just before he went to talk to her, and he was now chasing her across the lawn.<p>

After about the fourth time her name was called, Lily finally turned around. "Remus!" She looked surprised and happy to see him. "Sorry, I thought you were Potter."

"So you ignored me? Really, Lily, you should've figured out by now that James is a pretty persistent bloke. Walking away will just make him shout louder." Remus said jokingly, though there was certainly a grain of truth in his statements.

"As you've just proved. It seems that your fellow Marauders are rubbing off on you at last," Lucy added.

"Merlin, I hope not. We'd all be doomed!" Lily said dramatically.

"We can only pray that some of Remus' virtue rubs off on them. So far, no luck, it would seem. As far as I can tell they're all still a bunch of tramps," Lucy stated fairly.

"What can you do?" He shrugged and Lily smiled.

"So, what's up, Remus?"

"Just the usual crisis, really, but I think I've thought of a way for you to help. I don't think you're going to like it much, though."

At Remus' mention of a crisis, Lily's eyes had widened and her forehead was creased in worry. As the two resident Gryffindor bookworms of their year, Lily and Remus had been close since the start of Hogwarts. "Crisis? Of the… moony variety?" She shot a quick look at Lucy, who had been feigning confusion at the mention of Remus' lycanthropy, and now discreetly headed off towards the lake. "Of course I'll help, anything I can do—"

"No, no, not _that_ crisis." He called towards Lucy, "You can come back over here! I know you know." When both girls looked at him guiltily, he reassured them: "Don't worry about it. The fact that the board of governors hasn't come after me with torches and pitchforks means that you haven't told anyone else, and that's good enough for me. And my 'furry little problem,' as James likes to call it, won't surface for another couple of weeks. No, I meant the usual crisis of Sirius being an egotistical prat."

"Hmm, you know, I think that condition is even less manageable than your, ah, 'furry little problem.'"

Remus chuckled. "Preach to the choir, Lily."

"Well, you're probably right that I won't like it, but what's your proposal? After all, it would only be charitable of me to help extinguish the ego of Hogwarts' own Lothario." Lily noticed Lucy's bemusement at the reference and rolled her eyes. Remus beamed, appreciating the literary kindred spirit he had found in Lily Evans when they sat together in Ancient Runes first year.

He collected himself and began to explain. "Right, well, Sirius was giving James a hard time for being in lo—I mean, for not giving up on—" Remus paused, unsure of the best way to describe the situation.

Lucy helped him out: "Don't worry, Remmy, dear. Lily knows jolly well that Potter is smitten with her dainty little self, even if she won't admit it." Lily glared at her best friend, while Remus looked embarrassed. Lucy happily said, "Continue!"

"Ahem, yes. So, Sirius' comment gets James worked up, so he starts to defend you, Lily, and why he, erm… likes you so much. He was talking about how you make him a better person, etc., etc. Trust me, it sounds better when he says it." Though she was a bit flattered, Lily rolled her eyes. This was James Potter they were talking about, after all. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Lucy's smirk. Remus kept on: "He told Sirius that he should try taking a relationship seriously, and then maybe he wouldn't be so annoying. Then Sirius made some sort of lewd comment, as he is wont to do, and James went off to owl something."

"Okay, this sounds pretty standard… what exactly is the idea for how to stop Black's narcissistic, misogynistic tendencies?"

"Yes, I'm getting to that. After James left the table, Sirius was trying to put James' suggestions into his own words, or something. He said that if you would give him a chance, he might be willing to change." Lucy's eyebrows disappeared under her fringe, and Lily let out a sharp laugh. "Alright, that may have been slightly out of context." Lily gave him a look. "And it's possible that he made references to some of Lily's, erm… desirable physical qualities…"

"That sounds more like something that uncouth mongrel would say," said Lucy, amusedly. Worried that she might be alluding to Sirius' status as an illegal animagus, Remus looked at her quickly. She winked. He wondered how these girls could be so clever.

Recovering, he carried on: "But he did say that Lily is, and I quote, 'the closest they come to a female Marauder.'"

"Okay… I'm not sure whether to be flattered or insulted. I'm currently feeling a bit of both. But what are you suggesting, Remus? You think that I should seduce the nefarious Sirius Black and use sex" Remus coughed uncomfortably, "as a positive reinforcement to turn him into a more or less decent human being?"

"Not exactly. First of all, James would kill me if I let that happen, and second of all, I'd never compromise you in that way. No, I think that you should seduce the 'nefarious Sirius Black' and use _lack_ of sex as a _negative_ reinforcement."

"So, basically, you want me to be a tease," Lily clarified.

"Perfect! She's just the woman for the job," Lucy said snidely.

"Oh, quiet, Luce! I am not a tease."

"Ha! Please. What else would you call yourself in terms of your relationship with Potter? If that's not playing hard to get, I don't know what is."

Lily looked to Remus for help, but was disappointed when he spoke. "She's got a point, Lily."

"What! How dare the two of you! You can't be a tease if you don't lead a guy on. I most certainly do not lead Potter on. Not in the least bit. I do the complete opposite, in fact: I push him away as often as possible!"

"Insulting him is not pushing him away, Lils. It's just the easiest way for you to interact with him, because you don't trust yourself to trust him any more than that," Lucy rationalized.

"Exactly. It's like how James thought that taking the mickey out of you for all those years was the best way to win your heart. He just wasn't sure enough of himself to show you the real James."

Lily began to panic. She did not want to talk about this, because she feared that her friends were hitting a bit too close to home. "Alright, alright, let's not talk about Potter any more, shall we? About Black, though: I'll do it."

"Why, Lily Evans, was that an innuendo? A double entendre, perhaps? I didn't think you had it in you." While the three Gryffindors had been speaking, a fourth had joined them. Sirius Black came strutting over the grass, his grey-blue eyes sparkling mischievously.

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><p><strong>Hmm? What's that? You want to review? Lovely! The link is just below this note... Yep, that's the one.<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Greetings! I'm terribly sorry that this has taken me so long, and also that it's not even very long to make up for the wait. Despite my unworthiness, I hope you like it, and I hope that you review (even/especially if you don't like it)!**

**If it makes you feel any better, for part of the time that I could have spent writing this and TMBTM I have instead been reading the Harry Potter books in preparation for "the end of an era," such as it is, that's coming our way in July. Good reason? ABSOLUTELY. Good enough? You tell me...**

**Thanks, loves! I'll try harder to keep in touch...**

**- Lorraine**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER THREE<strong>

"Hello, Black," Lily greeted him, rather coldly. Lucy nudged her in the ribs. "I mean, hello, Sirius!" she amended, plastering a fake smile on her face. If she was going to save the women of Hogwarts from this boy, according to Remus' plan she would have to be a tad more flirtatious.

"Er, hello… Lily." Sirius paused for a moment, looking at her skeptically. "No, sorry, that doesn't feel right. Since when are we on a first name basis?"

"For Merlin's sake, Padfoot, you've known Lily for six and a half years," reasoned Remus.

"Exactly. Why the sudden need for a change? The legendary battles of wit between Evans and myself have become tradition."

"You call that wit, Black? Please. You make Albert Runcorn look like a prodigy, and that is no small feat."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Lucy. "Perkins. I hadn't seen you there. Still haven't managed to grow past 1.5 metres, I see."

She glared at the blue-eyed boy. "Really? The height thing again? Can't you get a bit more original?"

"I think that enough of my sins are original that I can occasionally have an off day in the insult department."

"It worries me that you say that with such an air of pride," said Remus.

Lily decided to intervene before things got heated. "Alright, everyone, cool your jets. Bla—Sirius, the three of us were just talking about going for a dip in the lake. Care to join us?" she said coyly, batting her eyelashes.

Sirius looked taken aback, deciding to get away from this scary new version of Lily Evans as soon as possible. "Uhh, no, thanks… I'm actually feeling a bit peckish. Fancy a kitchen run, Moony?"

"Actually, Lily was just mentioning that she was famished!" Lucy interjected quickly, giving her best friend a small push in Sirius' direction.

"Yes! She said she was craving tapioca pudding," Remus added, knowing very well that this was one of Sirius' favorite foods.

Just at the mention of this dessert Sirius' mouth began to water. He gave Lily the once over, coming to a decision: "Well, in the name of Tapioca, I suppose I can tolerate your company for a few minutes, Evans."

Lily bit back a sarcastic "thanks ever so much" as Sirius turned to Lucy and Remus. "You two want anything?" he asked.

"I'd have some chocolate if you wouldn't mind terribly," said Remus.

"Anything for you, mate. Unless it involves being nice to Perkins. Cheerio!" and with that he dragged Lily towards the castle before Lucy could request any snacks.

Despite Sirius' longer legs and athletic training, Lily was mostly able to keep pace with him. She was only slightly out of breath by the time they reached the corridor leading to the kitchens. Keeping her mission in mind, she struck up a conversation. "So, you're a fan of good ol' fish eggs and glue?"

Sirius looked at her strangely. Lily smiled, used to this reaction to the phrase. "Fish eggs and glue is what my dad calls tapioca," she explained.

"No, I knew what you meant. I didn't think anyone else called it that. I remember my first night at the Potters' house; they offered me either 'fish eggs and glue' or 'grasshopper pie' for dessert. I looked at James, ready to tell him thanks but no thanks on his offer to let me live there, when his dad just burst out laughing. When he explained to me what they were, I was more than willing to stay, as you can well imagine."

Lily grinned. "Indeed! Mint whipped cream and marshmallows in an OREO-and-butter crust: what's not to like?" Sirius smiled his first genuine smile as the redhead continued. "I love grasshopper pie! I thought it was a Muggle thing. No one else here knows what it is. I explained it to the house elves when I first discovered the way into the kitchens, so now I have my grasshopper fix whenever I want it. It's good to know that Potter's house is another option in the future."

As they continued chattering on their walk to the kitchens, Lily and Sirius were thinking the same thing: _This is going to be easier than I thought_.

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><p><strong><em>THREE HOURS LATER<em>**

Once Lily and Sirius had headed for the kitchens, Lucy and Remus had parted ways. After suggesting that they go for a swim, Lucy had resorted to asking Remus nicely, then begging him, then threatening him, then throwing up her hands in exasperation and storming off to find Frank and Alice, whom she knew she could convince to go for a dip with her. Remus had smiled at her antics, and then walked the long way around the castle to return to the—thankfully empty—Gryffindor common room to catch up on his reading. He was about thirty pages from the end of Chopin's _The Awakening_ when he heard the portrait hole swing open and shut.

"She's like the female version of me, Moony!" Remus looked startled, and not altogether convinced at this description of Lily, as Sirius plopped down beside him on the sofa. "Well, no, that's not really true. She's not nearly as sex-driven as I am—which is not to say that she's not sex-driven, because she seems pretty experienced…" At Remus' stricken look he said reassuringly: "Don't worry, mate, it hasn't gone too far." He was too distracted to notice that this did not particularly comfort his friend. "But other than the friskiness factor, we're remarkably similar." Sirius looked distraught.

"I'm a bit confused, Padfoot. You seem upset about this, but I don't know why."

"I don't really know why either! Basically, she's just not at all what I expected." Knowing better than to ask questions, Remus stayed silent. Sure enough, Sirius soon continued on his rant. "When I first started spending time with her, it was because A: I was lured by the tapioca," Remus snickered. He was good at this. "… and B: I wanted to prove to myself that she wasn't worth Prongs' time. But she's funny, and she likes Quidditch, and she's a good flirt—and a looker, obviously. She's petite and yet she eats like a lumberjack. She says her room is messy, but her bathroom is neat—which, as you know, is exactly how I am. We've read some of the same books, and she has good taste in music, and she's scared of spiders—it's adorable, honestly—and she's competitive, and she knows almost all of the secret passageways, and she hates Madam Puddifoot's as much as we all do. In short, I was completely right when I said that she's like the female version of a Marauder. And that scares me."

As Sirius was describing Lily, probably his best friend of the fairer sex, Remus was smiling. At this last comment, though, his brows drew together. "What do you mean it scares you?"

"Well, every bloke dreams of a bird like that, right? Of someone who's basically one of the guys but is also gorgeous and wicked in bed." Remus looked extremely alarmed, but Sirius calmly continued: "No, I do not know for a fact that she's good in bed, Moony, don't get your knickers in a knot." Remus looked relieved. "My point is, I should be head over heels for her, right? She's perfect. Apparently Prongs has been telling the truth all along. But I'm not. I can't see her in that way." Sirius looked frustrated, and almost disappointed in himself. Remus inwardly chuckled at his friend's perception that leading with one's libido was the only way to live.

"So you're scared because…?"

"Because I didn't know that there could be a girl who was so similar to me! In theory, it seems like it would be a huge plus to have a bird be able to tell what you're thinking before you say it, but in reality it's terrifying. It makes you want to stop even thinking those things, let alone saying or doing them." Sirius looked worried, and now Remus chuckled outwardly.

"You've never had a girl friend who wasn't a girlfriend before," he stated simply.

"I know." Sirius looked at his friend desperately. "Help!"

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><p><strong>Review? Pretty please? Otherwise I have very little encouragement to keep going...<strong>


	4. Chapter 4

**Helloooo! Long time no see, m'dears. My bad. This chapter is a bit longer than my usual, so hopefully that will appease you. I've already gotten a bit of the next section done, too, so it shouldn't be too long before it gets updated.**

**Hope you like it!**

**- Lorraine**

**None of this (except Lucy) is mine.**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 4<strong>

At breakfast the next day, Sirius was lost in thought. Remus noticed that he kept looking down the table towards Lily with his face scrunched up, as if he were trying very hard to figure something out. James seemed to notice Sirius' strange behavior as well. As he piled potatoes onto his plate, he turned to the boy next to him and asked, "Padfoot, what's the deal? You haven't been this worked up since you were trying to figure out the best way to stumble upon Minnie and Dumbledore making out."

Shaken out of his reverie, Sirius turned to James. "Huh? Oh, umm, nothing. Just wondering what Lily's doing later," he said distractedly, glancing at the redhead once again.

James' eyebrows shot up so far that they were almost lost in his jet-black fringe. "'Lily?' Since when are you guys on a first name basis, let alone friendly enough to be hanging out? What on earth did I miss yesterday afternoon?"

Though he did his best to hide it, Remus immediately noticed James' jealous tone, and began to worry that his plan might backfire. Sure, he wanted Sirius to start behaving himself, but not at the cost of breaking up Prongs and Padfoot, the pranking duo set to go down as legends in Hogwarts history. Yes, Lily was a great girl; and, yes, she and James did belong together, but Remus could never live with himself—or survive the full moon, probably—if he dismantled the Marauders. He paid close attention to the conversation, ready to play damage control if need be.

Sirius had also noticed James' envy of his relationship with Lily. Ironically, his earlier abstraction had been a result of his scheming about how to finally get James and Lily together. He was planning on talking to her about it later, but for now he couldn't resist having a bit of fun with the situation. "Oh, nothing really, we just had a few nice steamy shags in the kitchens… and by the lake… and in the Heads' dorms. Not much to speak of."

James dropped his fork. He couldn't decide whether to glare at Sirius for making up such a stupid joke, or to goggle at him for getting into Lily's pants, or to smack him upside the head for stealingthe future Mrs._ Potter_ before she even agreed to go out with him_._

The expression on his face must have turned into an odd combination of these emotions, because Peter let out a huge guffaw, Remus almost spit out his pumpkin juice trying not to laugh, and Sirius said, "Oy, Prongs, mate, calm down! Of course that didn't happen! It wasn't for lack of trying, though…" Sirius had to dodge James' palm as it came hurtling towards his left ear. "Hey! Watch it! Don't mess with the hair. You think I wake up like this?" James continued to glare. "Really, though, Prongs, she's not that easy, and I'm not that interested. I don't think she's interested either, though Merlin knows why. After all, I've been told that I'm quite desirable."

Slightly appeased, James went back to his breakfast, but he was still sporting quite the frown on his otherwise handsome features.

Remus rolled his eyes, knowing that Sirius was still trying to rile James up. And from the anger still on James' face, Remus would guess that he was succeeding at quite a fast rate. Seeking a diversion, he noticed Lucy beckoning him over to the end of the table. He nodded to her and held up a finger. _One minute_, he mouthed.

"Well, lads, not to break up the party, or anything, but it seems that I'm being beckoned by one Miss Lucy Perkins. Anyone up for a visit to our favorite redhead?"

James immediately made to get up, but Sirius pushed him down with a hand on his shoulder, and jumped up himself. "I shall accompany you, dearest Moony! After all, I have yet to greet the fair lass—and her loathsome troll of a best mate—this morning. Plus," Sirius wiggled his eyebrows, "I've got something extra special I want to talk to Lils about." With that, the two marauders began to march away. Remus threw an apologetic look back at James.

This peace offering went unnoticed by the tousle-haired youth as he glared towards Sirius, who had just conjured a flower from the end of his wand. James actively began trying to burn a hole through Sirius' head with his eyes when he heard his best mate say to the love of his life, "A lily for a Lily, darling. Though of course its beauty cannot compare to yours." When the "darling" in question blushed, James thought his head might explode.

Peter had been staring, dumbfounded, at the goings-on at the other end of the table, but when he noticed that James' knuckles were white from clutching his silverware so tightly, he recovered himself. "Hey, Prongs. Prongs!" James turned to his sandy haired friend. Peter inwardly cringed at the fierce look James had transferred from Sirius to himself, but continued trying to distract him. "What say we have a game of Quidditch after breakfast? It's Sunday, after all. I bet we could round up a few more fellas, play some four on four, maybe? That is, if anyone's willing to compete with the Marauders after last time," he said, grinning. He was remembering the time when he, Sirius, Remus, and James had beaten some of their Hufflepuff friends 260 to 30 in a pick-up game. There really was no competing with the combination of Peter's Beater skills, Sirius' abilities as a Chaser, James' uncanny knack for catching the Snitch, and Remus' infallible Keeper capabilities. They were simply a team that couldn't be beat.

During his musings James had begun talking. When Peter heard the scrape of the bench as James stood up, he was jarred from his thoughts. "What, Prongs? Sorry, mate, I must've zoned out. Where're you going? Should I go get my broom?"

Not in the mood for Peter's over-eagerness, James tried to remain civil as he excused himself from breakfast. "Nah, Wormtail, I think I'm just gonna go sit out by the lake by myself. Maybe I'll even get some reading done and be caught up for once! Minnie won't know what hit her." With that, he gave a sort of pathetic half-smile and high-tailed it out of the great hall before Sirius and Remus could come back. He didn't really want to pummel his best mate, but if Sirius came within three metres of him anytime soon, James didn't know if he'd be able to help himself.

_Meanwhile, at the other end of the table…_

Lily and Lucy had been sitting opposite from each other at the Gryffindor table, and now they were carrying on two separate conversations, Lily with Sirius and Lucy with Remus.

The former pair was laughing over some antics that James and Sirius had gotten into at the Potters' house, with James acting the hero and rescuing Sirius from a literally _man-eating_ thorn-bush. In the back of her mind, Lily realized that many of Sirius' stories shed a very flattering light on James. And even further towards the back there was a voice asking, _When did you start calling him James?_

Lily ignored this question and kept listening to the black-haired boy adjacent to her. Little did she know that Sirius was keeping his stories in this complimentary vein for a reason.

Nearby, Remus and Lucy were conversing in whispers while stealing occasional glances at the two across the table from them.

"So, Rem, is this your sneaky way to get James and Lily together?"

Though at first he was a bit shocked that his plan was so obvious, he soon realized that it was just Lucy. She didn't miss a trick, this girl! "Yeah, well, I figured that if nothing else would work, I'd better go with the 'lesser of two evils' approach."

Lucy laughed at the werewolf's derisive joke. She did like his sense of humor. "Well, I fully support your plan! It was awfully cunning of you, though, to have a secret agenda buried under the secret agenda of reforming Black. Even Lily didn't see this one coming, I don't think."

"That was the idea. It also had to be crafty enough that Sirius would start actively pushing them together of his own volition. See how he's praising Prongs—er, James—so much over there? I didn't eve put him up to that. He's just genuinely realized what we've known all along—that James and Lily are perfect for each other."

"Huh. Maybe he's not such a stupid codger after all. I thought he wouldn't recognize a decent girl if she danced the Macarena naked in front of him."

Remus laughed. "I'm pretty sure he'd notice a bird like that, actually. Though I'm not sure that's the sort of thing a 'decent girl' would do… or are you speaking from personal experience?"

Lucy grinned wickedly at the pale, chestnut-haired boy beside her. "Aha, wouldn't you like to know, my furry little friend?"

Remus blushed and cleared his throat. "Ahem. Anyways… do you think Lily's going to be receptive to Sirius talking James up? Or is it really just one sided on James' part."

"Oh, don't be silly. She's been in love with the boy for ages, she's just too damn stubborn to admit that that's what's going on inside her cute little carrot-topped noggin. I swear, I've never met anyone so headstrong as our Lily over here. She decided first year that she would, and I quote 'never, ever, ever, EVER like that snotty, arrogant, bullying excuse for a human being!' And now here we are, with her head over heels for him." Lucy rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Well, it's at least a relief to know that the feelings are mutual. I'm not sure James could handle that kind of disappointment. His… er… attachment to Lily is a bit extreme. I don't know if you noticed, but he was about to disembowel Sirius for even mentioning that he might like her."

Lucy nodded. "I just can't understand how they've wasted so much time! Especially now that they share a private dormitory. There's no use being shacked up together for a year if you don't actually _shack up_, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, it's a bit pathetic. James just didn't really know how to get her attention without making her want to kill him… for all of his reputation as a lady's man, he's not so good at important interactions. It's a wonder they've survived this long living in close quarters. It seems like they should've just spontaneously combusted by now, either resulting in a duel to the death—"

"Or a positively MINDBLOWING shag!" Lucy interrupted.

Remus smiled. "You took the words right out of my mouth, love." The two had been so engrossed in conversation that they didn't notice when Sirius and Lily turned towards them.

Sirius chose this point to interrupt. "What's this I hear? Moony and Perkins are off to have a nice romp in a broom closet?" Both Lucy and Remus blushed crimson. "Good job, mate!" he said to Remus. "There's been about enough sexual tension there that Prongs and Lily's relationship seems almost normal." Lily frowned at him but said nothing.

Lucy noticed her lack of response and jumped on it. "Ha! See, Lils? Even you can't deny it anymore!"

And really, she couldn't. Somehow, since the previous afternoon, Lily had been forced to a series of realizations: that Sirius wasn't so bad, and therefore that the Marauders weren't so bad, and, therefore, that James himself couldn't be so bad. Looking back on the first half of her seventh year, Lily finally grasped two things: that James was a more than decent person, and that his crimes against her prior to their becoming Heads had been more than made up for. Noticing that three pairs of eyes were on her, their owners apparently waiting for her to say something, she spoke up.

"Well… I suppose he does have some redeeming qualities." Knowing that this would soon turn into a long discussion, Lily got up and prepared to leave the Great Hall. She didn't particularly want to have this conversation around twelve- and thirteen-year-olds.

Remus and Lucy stood up and grinned, high-fiving, but Sirius raised an incredulous eyebrow. Though inwardly he was crowing for happiness, he had to keep up appearances—and, of course, make this new female Marauder as uncomfortable as possible. He jogged a few paces to catch up with Lily, letting the other two fall behind, and placed a hand over her shoulders. "Some?" he asked, skeptically. "My dear Lilykins, I think we all know that somewhere up there," he tapped her on the head with the flower he'd given her moments ago, "you've got a list of _alllll_ your favorite things about my best mate. And I'd bet not all of them are G-rated."

Lily blushed while her three friends snickered at her embarrassment. She tried to glare at them, but her red cheeks somewhat diminished the effect. "Bugger all of you! You're not helping at all."

"Not helping at all? What do you mean? We finally got you to admit your infatuation! That's more progress than I've made living with you for the past six years!" Lucy said indignantly.

Remus, often the more obliging friend, looked at Lily kindly, saying, "Honestly, Lily, you don't need any help. He's hopelessly in love with you, so any kind of contact is bound to make his day."

"If I may interject, Moony, m'dear… Though what you say is true, there is a certain kind of, ahem, _contact_ that would be of particular interest to one Mr. James Potter."

Remus groaned. "Honestly, Padfoot! I thought Lily was having a good influence on you."

"Hey, I'm working on it, alright? Rome wasn't built in a day, and all that."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Quite. But can't you be a little less horny, Black? Ever?"

"That's like asking a dog if he could be a little less hungry. It really only happens _immediately_ after the hunger has been satisfied. And I am particularly, ah, ravenous," he said, waggling his perfectly shaped eyebrows at Lily, who giggled.

As it would happen, this was precisely the wrong moment.

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><p><strong>REVIEWWWWW! I implore you!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Alright, I feel the need to preface this latest chapter with some apologies.**

**First: I'm ever so sorry that it's taken me so long to update this story. The muse is being a bit finicky lately, and I haven't really been inspired with any good Marauder jokes or plot twists, so I was reluctant to write anything new. So, I don't think this chapter is particularly interesting, but I hope you disagree.**

**Second: I'm sorry to inform you that this will probably be my last update on any of my stories for a bit... I leave for college tomorrow, and I'm figuring that I'll be a tad pre-occupied. I promise I'll try to work on my fics in whatever spare time I've got, but I can't guarantee that anything will happen soon.**

**Okay, now that those are out of the way... I hope you don't hate me, and I hope you'll still read my silly excuses for stories, and please continue to tell me what you think of them! Let's get on with it, then!**

**-Lorraine**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 5<strong>

They had just reached a birch tree at the side of the Black Lake. The very tree, in fact, that James Potter had been residing under.

The boy in question had come to spend some time on the lawn in order to sort through his thoughts on the matter of his best mate's newfound interest in the love of his life. The more he thought about it, the more conflicted he became. On the one hand, it was completely ridiculous that Sirius would betray him so completely; this line of reasoning forced James to realize that Padfoot had just been pulling his leg. Alternatively, no one knew better than James Potter how alluring Lily's charms could be. As a red-blooded male, he couldn't really blame Sirius for lusting after her, as he himself had done for so many years. But then why would Lily want Sirius, who was the epitome of everything she supposedly hated about James: self-absorbed, crude, and mischievous? Although, of course, Sirius had his good traits, too: he was handsome, charming, and loyal almost to a fault… _Which again raises the question: How could he do this to me?_ thought James. Clearly, it was a circular argument, and he'd just gone through the loop for about the third time when he heard voices approaching his secluded spot.

"...can't you be a little less horny, Black? Ever?" he heard Lucy Perkins address Sirius, and James tensed, unable to decide whether he should sneak away quickly or confront his best friend.

Sirius began to respond with a typically raunchy comment, and James relaxed a bit. _Clearly he flirts with everyone_, he thought, _so why get so worked up that he behaves the same way with Lily? It's nothing to worry about._ "That's like asking a dog if he could be a little less hungry. It really only happens _immediately_ after the hunger has been satisfied. And I am particularly, ah, ravenous." James smiled; he could practically hear Sirius' eyebrows wiggling.

What he heard next, though—presumably in response to the patented brow movement—wiped the fond expression right off his face, because what he heard next was what James liked to call Lily Evans' _sexy giggle_. This was the laugh she reserved for potential suitors. The last time he'd heard it was about a week ago, when she'd been helping the attractive Hufflepuff 6th year, Icarus Diggle, with his Charms assignment. That soft chuckle was enough to make James see red, while also causing a pleasant warm sensation somewhere in his lower belly; it made him want to wrench Lily away from her flavor-of-the-month, strike the bloke in question, and then give the redhead a good hard snog against the wall.

And despite the fact that the current recipient of this giggle was James' best friend in the world, his reaction was the same as usual. He marched out from behind the birch tree, causing his approaching friends to halt a couple metres away. He glared daggers at Sirius, who only grinned wider at James' mutinous expression.

"Alright, Prongs?" he asked, cheerful and nonchalant.

James didn't even bother to respond before he spun on his heel and stalked off towards the castle. Peter and Remus shared an anxious glance, concerned at this behavior, and Lily looked to Sirius for some explanation, but the Black boy only smiled and shook his head, calling out after James.

"You know, mate, if I didn't know you that were completely daft in all matters concerning Evans, I'd be quite insulted at the assumption that you're clearly making right now." James turned around, raising a single sardonic eyebrow. "As it is, I'm only slightly miffed," Sirius continued, sauntering a few paces towards the livid boy in front of him. James' other eyebrow went up to join the first, still waiting for his best friend to clarify these cryptic comments. Sirius smiled knowingly before he explained. "Honestly, Prongs, she can still get you this riled up just by laughing? What you've got to understand, my good chap, is that I occasionally make jokes, and sometimes people even laugh at them. This situation is in no way incriminating."

James quickly glanced over Sirius' shoulder and caught Lily looking, perplexed, in their direction. Apparently she asked Peter what was going on, because James saw him shrug, nonplussed at the odd conduct of his friends. The bespectacled Marauder turned his attention back to Sirius: "But that was her _sexy giggle_, Padfoot. The flirty one! She doesn't use it for just any humorous situation," James said, still belligerently suspicious.

Sirius rolled his eyes, about to comment on how James had actually _labeled_ Lily's different laughs, when Remus cleared his throat from slightly behind him. "Yeah, don't take that one too seriously—shut up, Sirius. Prongs… I may or may not have told Lily to hit on Sirius so that he'd behave better." He looked sheepishly at James, who was now thoroughly confused.

Sirius took advantage of James' silence to exclaim: "Why, Moony! That was awfully cunning of you. I'm not sure whether to be offended or impressed. As much as I appreciate the gesture, Remmy dear, I'm not sure even Lily's feminine wiles could improve my conduct. No offense, Evans," he finished, winking at the redhead. Remus snorted at his friend's dramatic flare, and turned back to James, who was beginning to catch on.

"Wait," said James, who did not seem to be too comforted by this new information from Remus, "do you mean to tell me that Lily _did_ sleep with Padfoot because you _told_ her to, Moony?" he continued, his question becoming an angry shout.

Remus backed away, trying to avoid James' fury, promising "No! No, no, no, Prongs! You've got the absolute wrong idea! See, what happened was—"

But this was where Lily cut in, almost as enraged as the black-haired boy in front of her. "_Excuse_ me, Potter? Please do not insinuate A. that I would have sex because someone _told_ me to, and B. that I would ever so much as hold _hands_ with your mangy mutt of a best mate!" she glared, and the familiar sight of an irate Lily seemed to calm James down a bit. When he registered what she'd said, he relaxed even further.

"Thank Merlin for that," he sighed. "Only, now I'm confused, he continued, brow furrowing. "Moony, what's going on?"

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><p><strong>Cliff-ish-hanger... More like a 4-foot-drop-hanger. Ah, well. Thoughts, anyone? You're all lovely, by the way, if you've made it this far!<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Sheesh, it's been a while! I'm really sorry, guys. I've decided that it's time to finish up both of my long unattended stories (this one and The Man Behind The Mask), because it seems that I'm terribly unreliable about updating. And as a reader of fanfic, I know how annoying that can be. This is to be the last chapter of Two Birds, and the next TMBTM update will likely be the last one for that, too, unless there's some crazy demand for more. Anyhow, you've all been great for sticking with this fic for so long, and I hope you like how it's turned out!**

**Cheers,**

**Lorraine**

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><p>Previously on Two Birds…<p>

_"Wait," said James, who did not seem to be too comforted by this new information from Remus, "do you mean to tell me that Lily did sleep with Padfoot because you told her to, Moony?" he continued, his question becoming an angry shout._

_Remus backed away, trying to avoid James' fury, promising "No! No, no, no, Prongs! You've got the absolute wrong idea! See, what happened was—"_

_But this was where Lily cut in, almost as enraged as the black-haired boy in front of her. "Excuse me, Potter? Please do not insinuate A. that I would have sex because someone told me to, and B. that I would ever so much as hold hands with your mangy mutt of a best mate!" she glared, and the familiar sight of an irate Lily seemed to calm James down a bit. When he registered what she'd said, he relaxed even further._

_"Thank Merlin for that," he sighed. "Only, now I'm confused," he continued, brow furrowing. "Moony, what's going on?"_

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 6<strong>

The young werewolf stepped forward cautiously, still not sure what level James' temper was at. Determined to clear up the situation as quickly as possible (and before James and Lily could come to blows, as was the precedent for many of their arguments), Remus began to explain.

"Well, ah, Prongs, remember that time when Sirius was getting on you for your obsession-" he paused at James' glare, "Sorry, _fondness_ of Lily?"

James raised his eyebrows. "You mean every day, Moony?" he asked, causing the redhead to blush and Sirius to shrug unconcernedly.

"Sure, but more specifically yesterday. At breakfast," Remus clarified.

Peter interjected, "When you yelled at him, and then stormed out to write your Mum." Lucy sniggered, and James glared at her.

"I did not 'storm out,' Wormtail, and if you think that was yelling, then you clearly haven't paid much attention to my arguments with Evans over there." Lily crossed her arms.

"Oh, don't lie, Prongs, you were in a right strop. And I reckon you're working yourself up again right this very instant," Sirius contributed. James glared at his best mate and opened his mouth to retort.

"Oi, you lot! I'm giving an explanation, remember?" Remus said loudly, in an exasperated tone. James returned his attention to the young werewolf, and gestured for him to continue.

"So, at breakfast yesterday we were complaining about Sirius' unfortunate tendency to drive us barmy with all his bragging, and then Lily walks in. Which, of course, led to a lecture—sorry, _discussion_—about that Lily makes you a better person, and all that. And your explanation gave me an idea about how to fix the Sirius problem—Padfoot, if you want to make a joke, keep in mind that Peter is poised to smack you—but I needed Lily's help."

James, brow furrowed, was obviously not following. The typically impatient Lily decided to step in and attempt to clear things up.

"And so, James," the bespectacled boy's eyebrows shot up at the use of his given name, "Remus found me by the lake and explained that I should try to seduce Sirius, and then withhold any sexual compensation until he started to behave better."

James, beginning to put things together, clarified, "So, he wanted you to be a tease? Good personnel choice, Moony," he joked, not without bitterness. (Lily elbowed Lucy when she muttered "That's what I said!")

"Oi! I am not a tease. Can we just get that straight?" the redhead cut in. Five heads turned towards her, wearing identical skeptical smirks. Lily deflated a bit. "I do not tease James! I don't flirt, or chat, or anything! I don't even talk to him about lessons! Honestly, how can it be considered teasing when I don't ever give him a chance?"

"I'm right here, you know," James grumbled.

Lily whirled around to face him. "Yes, I know! So, fine then, you explain it to me. How do I tease you? How is it that I drive you crazy when I do my best to ignore you entirely?"

"But that's just it, Lily! You don't ignore me, you argue with me. You point out my flaws. You laugh at my mistakes. No, it's not exactly friendly, but it shows that you are at the very least _invested_ in our relationship—such as it is. If you didn't care at all, you would just brush me off and not even bother to insult me. But you do—Merlin knows how much you insult me." Though poised to speak, Lily couldn't really come up with a rejoinder to that one. James noticed, and this brought a smile to his face—the first Lily had seen him wear all day. "So, I don't know, Lily. Can _you_ explain it to _me_?"

"But I… I don't even like you! You're…well, you're mean to the Slytherins, and to the younger students. And you're so boastful all the time. And…and you have terrible table manners!" Lily was grasping at straws, and she knew it. So, apparently, did her friends.

Sirius calmly picked apart her argument. "Lils, be honest with yourself. When was the last time Prongs here hexed anyone—even Snivellus—without significant provocation? And, as far as we've noticed, he barely brags at all anymore," Sirius looked to Peter and Remus for confirmation, and they nodded. "As for his table manners, you can probably fix those up right quick."

"And in comparison to Padfoot, he's a master of etiquette," Remus contributed dryly, causing Sirius to smack him on the shoulder.

"As I was saying, Lily, love: you _do_ like James. And it's high time you stopped lying to yourself about it," Sirius finished.

Lily looked around helplessly, trying to find an ally in her group of friends. Knowing the Marauders wouldn't be on her side, she turned pleadingly to Lucy, giving her the best-friend eye-signal for "help get me out of this unfortunate situation!"

But Lucy was having none of it today. "Lily. Sweetie. Would you just stop being an ungrateful dimwit and accept it already? You and Potter are meant to be together. You've got more best-friend seals of approval than you could possibly need, not to mention that the poor fool is in love with you. He's hot, you're hot, now just get together and make some hot babies, okay? Everyone will be much happier for it." At this point in her speech, four faces were gaping at her, and one—Sirius'—was thrown back, shouting in laughter.

As Sirius laughed at her expense, Lily began to retreat into herself, rapidly becoming unwilling to discuss the matter further. This managed to sober up the Black heir, who knew this might be the best chance he had to secure everlasting happiness for his best friend. He grabbed the redhead by the shoulders, forcing her green eyes to look into his grey ones, and delivered the coupe de grâce.

"Lily Evans. You are perfect for James Potter, and I am going to tell you a story about how I discovered this. For the past six years, I have looked on as my best mate fell madly in love with you, and until yesterday, I honestly thought he was insane. Sure, you're pretty, and smart, and funny, but so are plenty of other birds. And you singlehandedly put our Prongs through so much heartbreak that, had he been anyone but the compassionate guy he is, at this point he'd be as jaded as I am—and that, my dear, is saying something," Sirius joked lightly.

"But then yesterday, Lily, I learned some things." Lily, sensing a rare bout of honesty coming from the young man in front of her, could only stand and listen as he ticked off the reasons why she should love James. "I now know that you like Quidditch, and hate Madam Puddifoots. I know that you're a decent chess player, and you like Oscar Wilde, and you're not too polite to take the last bite of tapioca, even without asking. You're strong and determined in almost any situation, but a spider will send you fleeing from the room. You're clever and cunning—you did figure out about Moony's furry little problem, after all—but fiercely loyal (seeing as you haven't told anyone). If ever there were ever to be an honorary Marauder, Evans, it'd be you." Deciding to take this as a compliment this time, Lily smiled at Sirius, who gave her a reassuring one-armed squeeze.

Now it was time for Remus to take her hand, and look at her earnestly. "You know our greatest secrets, Lil, and you share some of our greatest traits—if I do say so myself. And if you fit in with the lot of us, then how can you possibly argue that you're not the right girl for James?"

Sensing that the speeches were done, Lily turned to look at the boy in question. James' face was unreadable—eyes carefully masked behind his glasses. "Well…" she said, considering what her best move was, now. She began to smile, her eyes twinkling like green amber. "Well, boys, when you put it that way…"

And with that, she marched right up to James and grabbed the back of his neck, pulling his forehead down to hers. As if by reflex, his arms snaked around her waist. Smirking slightly, Lily noticed that his eyes weren't nearly so blank now—rather, they showed joy, confusion, desire, and, if she was judging correctly, a teensy bit of fear.

Leaning up ever so slightly, in order that her lips just brushed James', Lily whispered to the messy-haired boy: "What do you say we start making better use of that shared dormitory, Potter? Only, I reckon I'll need a little convincing before I trek all the way back up there…"

Full-on grinning, now, James was only too happy to oblige. He closed the infinitesimal gap between Lily's lips and his, determined to kiss his way into her good graces.

And Lily had to admit, the boy's technique was flawless. When he gently licked her bottom lip, she couldn't help but sigh, giving him room to slip his tongue against hers, coaxing a spontaneous moan from her throat. She could almost feel him grinning as he took her bottom lip between his teeth, toying with it until he pushed his warm tongue back into her mouth.

When James' hands moved lower on her back, Lily took it as a signal to jump and wind her legs around his middle—and James could not have been more pleased with this interpretation. He walked forward, backing her up against the birch tree, and began to trail wet, breathy kisses across her jaw and down the column of her neck.

Winding her fingers into James' already-tousled hair as she gasped for air, Lily's eyes flickered open for a moment, and she saw the retreating backs of her four friends. Sirius seemed to be handing Lucy a handful of coins, and Peter was just shaking his head in amusement. Lily vaguely heard Remus' deep chuckle as he turned to Sirius, saying, "You know, Padfoot, if you really _did_ start behaving better, this whole operation would have killed two birds with one stone."

Just at that moment, two girls were approaching the departing foursome, twirling their hair and whispering to each other, while sneaking glances at the Black's eldest son. Sirius grinned at Remus, slapping him on the back. "Don't push your luck, Moony," was the last thing Lily heard before James recaptured her mouth, effectively invading all of her senses.

**THE END.**

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><p><strong> Thanks for reading, everyone! I'd love to have your final thoughts, if you'd be so kind as to let me have them.<strong>


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